Emma Coles

As kids we were always told “treat others how you wish to be treated” and this is something we learn as adults too, just in ways that work in different situations and scenarios.

To be polite in interactions, we have to want to be polite and have a genuine desire to be pleasant to one another. Whilst our body language, smiles and stance may show someone we’re interested in what they have to say, to really show just how pleasant we may be, we have to use specific language to do so.

Even though using our ‘please’ and ‘thankyous’ are indeed polite, this is something we would usually expect when requesting or receiving a gift, for example, so to be polite in conversations rather than transactions, we often need to go beyond just using our manners.

We should always be aware of just who we are speaking to, relationships change everything! Whilst you might ask your close friend what their age or weight is, you wouldn’t ask something so personal to someone you just met or someone you have a professional rather than friendly relationship with. This goes for compliments too, whilst you might think someone wants to hear your opinion or comment, you never know what position you could put someone in with it, so you should always assess the situation and the relationship first. Calling your bestie a stunner might be ok but addressing a stranger isn’t always the brightest of ideas!

Brown & Levinson discuss that whilst we often think that to be polite we should be positive, we can be negative if we want to. To be positive is to see a silver lining, to big yourself up or sometimes to even soften the blow. Whilst we have opinions, so do others, so to be positive is to listen and appreciate what others have to say or contribute, perhaps add a little of your own material to it or simply just be sympathetic and try to understand what the other person has to say. Sometimes we struggle to have anything positive to say, so negativity takes control. Negativity doesn’t always have to be directed towards others, but it can be about ourselves too. Whether it’s softening a statement or simply dismissing it, negativity comes in various forms. Often negativity is misinterpreted as pessimistic and rude behaviour, but in politeness theory negative politeness attempts to avoid imposition on speakers.

Politeness manifests itself in various ways, through language and through face. Another way we can show we are polite is through involving others. Scollon & Scollon (1995) talk about involvement and independence strategies, reflecting the general human social needs to be connected to other people, yet also to be independent and unique.

To involve others in conversation we could use a variety of strategies:

• Paying attention to the other person, or taking care of them. You can do this through saying “You have a beautiful dress” or asking them ” Are you feeling any better?”
• Being optimistic! Saying ” I know we can do this” or ” I believe in us”
• Being voluble, simply speaking up. Just speaking in an interaction shows you’re willing to get involvedd.
• Using other languages. If you’ve got it, why not flaunt it in conversation? That shows you’re willing to make an effort with others, as well as encouraging them to get involved regardless of the language being used.

Just like we can be negative, we can be independent in conversation too. There are a few different ways we do this, some more polite than others.

• Giving the other person a chance to retreat, for example, “It would have been nice to go out at the weekend but you must have other plans”
• Speaking in general terms rather than personally. “The rules say this…”
• Not speaking much! Sometimes actions do speak louder than words.
• Using your own language or dialect. Whilst sometimes this Is the only resort, In environments where you could use another language, choosing not to use one could appear as a lack of willingness to get involved and make an effort.

It is important to remember that whilst we were always taught to treat others in the ways we would like to be treated, not everybody feels the same and we can never know how others would like to be treated until we build that relationship with them.